Unlearning Who I Thought I Had to Be

At 18, I left everything I knew and moved to a new city. Little did I know, that one decision would reshape how I saw myself forever.

"Overthinking" by Peter Strain

For as long as I can remember, I had this odd obsession with self-identity, and understanding on a deep level who I was. It was my way of searching for deeper meaning, my way of internalizing the world around me. I never understood why I felt I came off disingenuous, or like I wasn't truly me– with the places and people I associated with.

In retrospect I now know that it was me rejecting who I was. I thought that if I picked myself apart first, no one else could expose the flaws I was already ashamed of. So I put on different masks, molding myself to how others saw me. It was easier to create a shell, a barrier to hide the parts of me I thought were too strange or shameful to be seen. Sooner or later my own spark, and curiosity would slowly fade away, at least outwardly, and I started the quest to understand why my brain worked this way.

The Fresh Start

Fast forward to moving—I had a fresh start, and I felt unstoppable. It felt like I was exactly where I was meant to be—like nothing was offbeat, everything was just right.

Except I’m revisiting the infamous question—who am I?

Now when I asked myself this question, it was different this time. There was no one I knew around me clouding my self-image, or reinforcing the narratives I fed myself back home. You’d think that would be a good thing.

But after so long being shaped by outside noise, the silence felt... unsettling.

Who was I without the old script?

It’s just me and... well, me.

It was liberating knowing I could be anything, but it was also overwhelming. It felt like the ‘storm’ you come home to after you were in a rush to get ready, forgetting you left your room a mess.

It wasn’t just a physical mess—it was the mental clutter.

All the clothes I had stuffed into the closet, now spilling onto the floor.

The unresolved parts of me I had thrown in the back of that closet for so long, hiding. Now right in front of me.

The storm wasn’t just rushing from the outside—it was inside of me too. Overwhelming & chaotic.

Where do I even start?

The Search for Answers

I wasn’t sure what to do with these pieces, as I had no idea where they fit in the puzzle. So my procrastinating method was to find things to do.

To pass the time I would sit pondering upon this question.

So I learned to code, meditated, read about the human brain, and listened to countless podcasts on “how to become your highest self.”

Talk about information overload.

I had lots of aha moments, but none felt applicable because how could I become my highest self when I wasn’t sure I had a sense of self yet?

I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for, just that I needed some kind of framework to make sense of myself.

That’s when I stumbled upon MBTI—something about it pulled me in.

I took one of those 20-minute tests, not expecting much, but when I got my results back... INFJ.

And suddenly, I wasn’t just staring at a jumble of traits and contradictions—I was staring at the words on the screen, describing parts of me I had been hiding from for years.

I realized I wasn’t so alone in how I functioned, in how I interacted through the world.

I had a sense of direction, a mission.

The infamous question comes up again; who am I?

This time I knew I could articulate clearly who I am—good and bad.

It’s no longer uncomfortable to sit with that question.

It’s rather motivating.

The Realization

Now as I write this, it’s never occurred to me how far I've come.

I've always focused on outcomes and where I’m supposed to be. Where I saw myself in the future.

But never stopped to inhale the fresh air of the present.

I never learned to extend myself the grace that I would have no problem giving to others.

Here I am sharing with you the biggest part of me that was so deeply hidden:

Self-Acceptance

Looking back, I realize that my need to find who I was, was never about finding the perfect answer.

It’s about making sense of the evolution and how you can accept you.

How self-discovery is messy, it’s chaotic, at times silent.

It's about being willing to unlearn.

I’ve now come to understand self-acceptance isn't a destination, it’s about honoring who you are at every stage in your life.

Show up, be real, trust that the pieces will fall into place.

Be patient, accept the contradictions, and move forward with curiosity, with an open heart, and self-compassion.

- Kemanielena