You Were Never Too Much....You Just Needed Permission

It was 4th grade where I was called a know-it-all while answering a question in class. The class chuckled. I felt small in that moment and unconsciously spoke less and less. I thought about and replayed that moment…and started to question: Am I really a know it all? I pondered this question to myself and began to pick apart my attributes.

Fast forward to high school. When called on or put on the spot, I would always have the answers or know what to say deep down, but I had thought about that moment, and began questioning if what I was thinking or the answer I knew was even right. I was always anxious, nervous, sweaty palms, and tense shoulders. I dreaded being called on. And when I was, I wished I could melt into the floor and not be seen.

Don’t get me wrong, I spoke up for myself. But with this dark cloud over my head, like I was too bossy, annoying, or constantly being judged and picked apart the same way I picked myself apart. The internal conflict between wanting to be seen for the good parts of myself and not wanting to be seen at all.

The feeling of envy I would get when I saw people who were free-spirited and social interactions looked natural. Yearning to navigate the world so freely, without having to think about it. Just in the moment. I guess for a period of my life, I lost my spark. Created this subtle self-doubt, which led me to lose touch with just how capable I am.

Now I sit here and share with you this internal battle, only to realize it was never about being a "know it all" that scared me. It was my own projection and fear of being "too much." The judgment was never real.

It made me angry. Angry that I had wasted so much time doubting and shrinking myself. Suppressing parts of me I actually love. But out of the anger, I learned that I don’t have to be digestible for everyone. The most freeing thing you could do for yourself is show up as best as you can in that moment. Staying present. Letting all of your perfect imperfections shine through, and show up whole.

And now? I let myself take up space without apology.

I wear that bold outfit with the dramatic sleeves and gold jewelry, just because it feels like me.

I light candles and play soul music while I work.

I take selfies even if no one sees them.

I don’t need a special occasion to feel worthy of being seen.

I remind myself: I am not too much.

I was just waiting for permission.

And now—I give it to myself.

It does something to you physically. You feel lighter, like boulders have been lifted from your chest. Like that dark cloud that once brought you angst and doubt is now sunshine and light breeze that brings you clarity and life. You stand taller and you’re now able to look people in the eyes without thinking: My nose is too big. What if I say the wrong thing? Do I have a booger in my nose? Is there something in my teeth...?

How do you achieve this feeling? Feeling unburdened, and accepting who you are?

Give yourself permission to take up space.

To give yourself room to make mistakes, and grace to honor yourself at all stages of life.

- Kemanielena